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a christmasy post before christmas

jeffington
33 minutes ago

My christmass tree

the old christmas tree and the new christmas tree

Mishmash

new tree under fish

plus an animation i made for christmas a while back

Heavy Heart

six-string gypsy
Yesterday

So this is kind of venty and lame... be warned. I can be pretty sad and lame sometimes, I'm workin' on that.

I'm writing this out to get it out of my head and out of my heart, because I have a family to love and holidays to celebrate, dammit!

Besides, tomorrow is acupuncture day and I want my heart chakra to be prepared. I'm holding too much energy here, need to lighten it up. Thanks, in advance, for reading.

*****

I've had a light heart this year, for the most part. But today it hit me and my heart is sad, and I don't like that because for my family this is a time of warmth and of celebration. I should be happy.

And I am, really, but there is a part of my heart, I mean, that hurts.

I hear my kids laugh and be merry, and my heart wants to be there in that but it isn't totally. I'm sad.

I won't fight it because I guess my heart still grieves and must go through what it needs to to ultimately heal. It doesn't drag me down, though it can depress me. I go through it and feel it and keep on going.

A year ago this season I lost all of my friends. Sigs too, as they were his friends as well.

I still don't know what happened. It was awful. I talk about what happened in The Saga... some of you have read it.

It would take too long here to say what happened... but basically, when my health took a turn and the world came crashing down on my family fall of 2008, our friends (who were initially very supportive) turned tail and all of a sudden would have nothing to do with us. I am, of course, the culprit.

I hid everything from everyone, but really I was out of my mind during that time, terrified of dying and leaving my kids without a mother, and leaving Sigs without his sweetheart. OH!! That WRENCHED my heart more than ANYTHING!!

My heart screams inside just remembering that time. I know what would have happened to my family. They all would have died inside, we are so so very close. I couldn't concentrate on my friends, I had to concentrate all on my family and on myself to get well. I had to. I just had to. And so, yes, I was probably a terrible person.

I was so worried about my kids and worried because Sigs was so worried for me. My cat died. My biological mother was falling off her rocker. My son ended up in the hospital with his head cut open. My daughter was having problems at school. Sigs was handling everything. It was hell. A living hell.

I was very lonely as my family is thousands of miles away. I didn't have my Mom and Dad here, or my brother here. Just Sigs and I and the kids, as it always it. Blessedly.

It was a very very harsh time for our family that season. We became closer and stronger as a result, and that is awesome.

Also, we had just moved here a year before, fresh out of the military making a major lifestyle change that we thought we handled pretty gracefully. It was harder for the neighborhood we live in, having strangers move in. Strangers aren't very well accepted here, it takes a long time.

So, we were (as we still are) living very far away from our family in a tiny village. Just the four of us, that's it. But, that's maybe no excuse at all. Maybe all of this is just a big fat excuse. Maybe the friendships were doomed from the get-go. Maybe it was happening long before I ever noticed it. I don't know. I just loved them, that's all I know. No matter how crazy their lives were, or mine was. No matter what human frailties we had, I was willing to work through them. That's what friends do.

I just never knew. I never saw it and neither did Sigs. We were just totally blindsided. No more friends. All gone.

And perhaps I am to blame, sure. If they feel that, then I respect that. They call me a bad friend, manipulative is about all I know of what they think. I know nothing else. But I know what kind of friend I was, and would be still, to them. I know how much I loved and still love them. I just wish I knew what happened and what I did that was so unforgivably awful. Or maybe it was something I didn't do? I will never know, I've asked and receive no answer. All I can think is that I am so appalling that I am undeserving. I thought I was a good and genuine friend. Apparently I really fucked up. That is hard to live with. Do you know how hard that is?

Am I just blind to my own self? I have other friends that I've had for years, I've asked them these things and they tell me otherwise, they tell me to cut it out and stop being so hard on myself.

So why am I questioning myself over these four people who I only knew for just over a year? Why does it matter? It matters because I love them. They were my friends, I thought of them like family. It matters because all people matter, at least, they do to me. I would do anything for them. I was there for them no matter what, anytime. I thought they felt the same about me, and so all I can think of is that I didn't honor that in some way. Could they be to blame? I can't judge like that. There doesn't need to be blame. Why do these things happen? Why can't people just be cool?

I've never been turned on like that before. I could never do such a thing to someone, it is so confusing. I am not an awful person. I am a good and genuine friend. My friendship and my honor are things that, at least, I thought were pretty apparently honest. I've had a year to examine myself and I still am confused.

I've looked at myself very deeply, seeking to see what there is about me that is wrong. Am I manipulative? Am I hurtful? I look and look and see, yes, I am human. Yes, I make mistakes. But NO - I am not manipulative. I am not hurtful. Never would I be this way on purpose. I see that and think that and then examine myself again, wondering if I'm fooling myself. Do I still not see it?

As I've come through this year, however, I've learned a lot about myself and how I see the world and how I interact with others. I've always been a soft spoken person, kind and gentle. But I can be outspoken at times. I am very genuine and very honest, and maybe that's what is so confusing. So that has been what I've been working on, to be gentler still. Softer still. Learning, listening, seeing, trying to understand from the inside out, rather than the outside in.

Maybe I expect too much. Do we all expect too much? Yes, I think so.

Can I forgive the hurt? Oh yes. I already have. Will I be forgiven of whatever my hurt was that I caused? No, I don't think so. I have come to accept that I can't expect that. I must live with it. Can I forgive myself for ruining everything? I don't believe that I am all to blame (and Sigs is not at all, he's an aloof person and was not so much involved). Even so, I don't think I could forgive myself for hurting another person. No, I know I couldn't. I would never intentionally, but even unintentionally I could not. It would help if I knew what happened, no matter how convoluted and nuts it might be.

I live in a very small village and everyday I see the homes of my former friends. Their lives go on together, happily. And I am happy for them, I always will be. They deserve to be happy and well and know much joy and love. We all deserve that.

But I am so sad to live here now. It is very hard for me because the negativity remains. No matter how much love I feel elsewhere or send out, no matter how positive I can be, the negative is here still to greet me.

I even took the blame and asked for reconciliation and forgiveness and it fell on deaf ears. They don't care. They genuinely don't care. And that bewilders me. How can that be? After all the memories that we have? Of them even telling my family that they loved us? That we were like family to them.

We told them the same things, however. And we ruined it. I guess. It seems that way anyway, we are to blame. It doesn't matter now what we do and it doesn't matter that I tried to save it, because the love is gone from them. And that is what breaks my heart. I just don't understand it.

I think it must be so much easier for them, as they are all still friends. My family and I are the outcast ones. The ones who aren't from here. The ones who are so undeserving. The ones who are the bad friends.

And it's strange because they carry on some of the traditions we brought with us when we moved here or created together, yet, we are no longer a part of it.

It is very hard for my heart to not know, to not understand. I would take all the responsibility, all the blame, every little thing, if only just to create Peace. If it would heal the wrong. If it would bring answers, even if those answers are only about my own self and what I did. Why did all of our friends, at the drop of a hat, just turn their backs on us? Oh it hurts my heart. It hurts all of us. We've never had that happen before.

I just wish for peace. Peace in the town I live in. Peace in my own heart.

There is much Peace in my home... so much Peace that we have much to share. We wish we could share it with others. We miss that very much.

Perhaps someday we will be blessed with great friends again. We thought we had that. Maybe someday we really will and I hope so. We just want people to love. But I think perhaps we need to just be grateful for us - our little family, and hold onto this love and Peace for now. We keep hope that we can share that again.

But in the meantime, well... I've laundry to fold.

Cookie Monster

Margy
Yesterday
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Now that I'm back on my feet and well fed, it's time to return to my Christmas Cookie baking. Yesterday and today were chocolate-dipped coconut almond macaroons and pecan tassies (which look and taste like miniature pecan pies). I've still got to finish the chocolate Grand Marnier truffles, but hopefully will do that tomorrow.

Still have to wrap presents!

Macaroons

Pecan Tassies

finally a win in the cultural wars

mariser
Yesterday
7 comments

BBC News - Rage Against the Machine beat X Factor winner in charts

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainm...

The band's single, Killing In The Name, sold 500,000 downloads beating X Factor winner Joe McElderry's The Climb by 50,000 copies to clinch the top spot. Their success followed a Facebook campaign designed to prevent another X Factor number one. One retailer said it was a "truly remarkable outcome - possibly the greatest chart upset ever". Speaking on the Radio 1 chart show, Zack de la Rocha from Rage said: "We are very, very ecstatic about being number one." He added it was an "incredible organic grassroots campaign".

cool.

Winter - some kind of wonderful

Deborah
Yesterday
1 comment

Yesterday we awoke to snow, falling, sticking. It snowed enough that Ben, Aaron and I went out to play in it.

We found bunny tracks across the snow in our front yard. I put food for the bunnies to find today. Birds and squirrels are finding their food. I've seen a few bright red cardinals.

Yesterday we had a family gathering with Ben's family and mine - Aaron and I cooked for everyone. He made an AMAZING chocolate/carmel/salted cake to celebrate Ben's mom's birthday. Everyone left full and happy to have spent the afternoon with us in our home.

I surprised my sis by bringing out a huge basket of our childhood comics. We are spending Friday night together with our old comics and toys and having a slumber party! I'm thinking cherry kool-aid and popcorn with BUTTER! It was wonderful to see the look on her face when she realized I'd saved them for us and knew she would love them.

Jess came by today and we hung out together. Love my niece - she is a great person, just like my kids and her brother. We are having family christmas tomorrow to accommodate the kids being here. Cassie will be missed!

All in all - I am loving it here. Course being back in CA last weekend with my friends was awesome too!
It's all wonderful.

book 92

cyndia
Yesterday
1 comment

Oh my gods - by tera lynn childs - Ya book -quick cute read about a secret school attended by the descendants of the mythical gods.

Oh. My. Gods.

Tera Lynn Childs

fifteen days of bah humbug - Christmas in prison

Will Kimbrough

Christmas in prison

Will Kimbrough

2 comments

Festivus

3 comments

QotD: Naughty or Nice

Making a list, checking it twice... How's your holiday shopping going? Who's left on your list?

Oh we are very very light shoppers. My family (including extended family) doesn't do the big gift exchange extravaganza, we never have as we just have not ever seen the point. Trading gifts isn't what our holiday is about. We'll send seasonal food to one another: baked goods... breads and cookies and such. Also candy (my grandmother and my mother are expert candy makers), and always fruit. I have a basket of pears and mandarins from my family this year and they are awesome!

What we do for the holidays is support a charity, hang out and call one another (our extended family is scattered around the globe), make a lot of music, tell stories by the fire, watch movies, and that's basically it. It's just a very warm and relaxing and fulfilling family time.

This year we have a few parties to go to, and we're meeting up with some friends in Ithaca so we're looking forward to those things too.

Yule

Our holiday is a little bit different, we celebrate Alban Arthan, also called Yule or Solstice (celebrated on or around Dec. 21st). We do have a tree and decorate for winter celebration, but the holiday time for us is all about welcoming the return of the light. It is a promise of life and hope. From the summer solstice to the winter the days have grown colder and darker, now they will be growing slowly warmer and lighter as we approach spring. It is very much about celebration and thanksgiving and honoring this time of the season. It is a very special day for us, one rich in Celtic and old family tradition and it lasts for about a week.

My little family of four will exchange a gift or two on Alban Arthan, but the majority of the holidays is spent in the kitchen and around our dining table. This year the kids have been culinarily creative and I love that! That's the fun part about having older kids. Next year we are thinking of doing a purely handmade holiday - no bought gifts at all.

Hallelujah!

The picture above depicts the Oak King and the Holly King. This is a traditional story about how at the Winter Solstice the Holly King (God of the waning light) gives up his throne to the Oak King (God of the waxing light) to rule until summer, when the Holly King will return. Usually the story tells of a battle between the two Kings, but we like to tell it as a joint seasonal trade-off between the two Kings, as they both have a very important task to see in and see out the light.

So, we welcome the Oak King and bid farewell to the Holly King until we see him again at Summer Solstice.

7 days

kris
Yesterday
1 comment

Been a whopping 7 days since my last post...that's atypical..

It's not tuesday but i have some pros and cons to discuss. so:

pros:

-Finally got together with a friend last night - had a gooood time...need to get together more often

-T has been much better lately since the breakup

-Sarah and Kristen should be coming in town soon and I'm looking forward to finally meeting them after two years of being vox neighbors!

-My tree makes me smile

-Got a couple new Snoopy's

-Every Rankin & Bass production ever made. Genius.

-The amusing pictures in my head of dressing up Baby Girl as Santa and Mary as Mrs. Claus, having them sitting in rockers sipping hot cocoa. Baby Girl (Santa) would also be eating oatmeal because of the Wilfred Brimley resemblance. She would not be discussing diabetes, however.

-The fact that my head works like that is a pro and con in and of itself.

And, here's a little elf:

Jackdec09

painting with light

Don't adjust your computer. This ia a picture of my Christmas tree! I had a happy accident with the camera and was really chuffed when I saw what it looked like so of course I fooled around a bit more. Basically I moved the camera around as the shutter was going off. Not rocket science but fun to do.The room was too dark for anything but the lights to register.

This one is a picture of our tree topping. I snapped and quickly tilted the camera down as I was taking the pic:)

We have a gigantic storm bearing down on us. I was looking at the radar and it appears as if we are going to get a LOT of snow. Click on the wee arrow above the radar picture to see it animate.
I've been to the store and stocked up on goodies, filled up the car and now am firmly ensconced awaiting the big blow:)

I am keeping this here on my blog until Dec 30th. The BustaMove BIG PRIZE DRAW , hoping that you might be interested in donating $10 to help purchase a digital mammogram machine & be entered in our fabulous draw. Help make the boobs of Nova Scotian women merry! Thanks to all of you who have done so already:)) Prizes are continuing to be added:) Latest is a CD by Shannon Quinn! Winner takes all. Great odds!

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